There, I Said it – A Confession

*This is the first of a series of confessions I will be making on my blog (whenever I muster the courage). I am already too heavy without my innermost thoughts weighing me further down so I decided to shed some pounds.

 

I am from a Christian background and my husband is a Hindu. We were both aware from the beginning that there would be issues because of our religions. But between us, it was all clear and sorted. We were confident that we could work out this marriage despite the differences and we are still confident of that. We don’t avoid the subject, in fact, we discuss our religions frequently but never to impose or preach.

In my post ‘Wedding, Family and Food ….’, I disclosed that I didn’t have a traditional wedding. I had eloped to marry my husband. When I think about it now, the whole act was over dramatized and unnecessary and I am to blame. But that was how it all went down and I guess I have been paying for my actions. The guilt and pain for hurting my family was immeasurable. The only good thing that came out of my arrogance was my husband. Though the process was faulty, he was most definitely not a mistake.

Almost six years back, when I went against my family and my church to marry this wonderful man, I was ex-communicated from the church. It is a grave matter to have one’s name chucked out from the church registry. I was sad beyond expression and extremely afraid to die for almost two years after that. I couldn’t wait to give my confession, ask for forgiveness and plead God and my church to take me back. I honestly even thought of what I would say when I stand in front of the congregation. I had never imagined that I would be one of those ‘ex-communicated’ people, the lost sheep. But then I never imagined many things in my life.

That was more than four years back and I am still expelled from the church. My thoughts and understandings have evolved over the years but I am still not convinced that my soul will be saved only if my name is re-entered. I know now than ever that God never left my side even when I was being the most disobedient in my life. I had never been a steady church goer and that is undeniably one of the reasons I don’t yet know the importance of the church. Remarkably, I have felt my faith grow stronger in the past years. There are still many questions I need answers to but I am certain that they will be revealed in time.

Every time I am in my hometown seems to be a good opportunity to request to be included back to the church but I have been putting it off. I don’t want to do it so that I may look righteous to other man or because somebody is asking me to. ‘This time’ I will do it for the right ‘purpose’ and with the clearest, surest mind. I cannot ask for time because our lives are unpredictable, but at the same time, it isn’t a matter that should be dealt with in a hurry.

There, I said it.

Zenei

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