Birthday Blues and Revelations

In two weeks’ time, I’ll be turning 33 and my greatest fear is that my life will remain the same. I know I’m fortunate to have good people around me and being able to do whatever I have been doing but I also know that I am meant to be doing more with my life. I don’t hate being a homemaker, it’s an important occupation and I enjoy it most of the time. My mother was a working woman so I know how good it feels to walk into a house where somebody is waiting for you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a philanthropist. I am a very selfish human being and I chose to be a homemaker. I’m simply not satisfied with the homemaker that I am. I don’t have enough work and its unhealthy to have too much free time. I have all the time yet I am not doing anything that’s entirely for myself and I haven’t found yet what I need to be doing.

Someone will be thinking that I’m clearly cracked and ungrateful. A mother could be telling me to have a child to appreciate having free time. I agree with you all, I’m crazy. A job will keep me busy as well as add to the income so it will be fantastic. A baby will bring its due cheers and tears and answer a lot of questions of concerned ones. So there, the answers are defined and clear but this is also when I am usually at the verge of breaking down. It all seems so simple and yet I don’t feel in my heart that either is the right thing for me. I’m a pathetic Believer of that ‘little voice’, whatever you may call it, whatever you may consider it. I KNOW that it is never wrong.

I turn-on my phone late at night, my husband fast asleep, and google topics like “depression”, “low self-esteem” and “motivational quotes” and even take multi-vitamins and minerals just in case I’m missing something. Honestly, I am guilty of self-doubt at times but I am confident that it’s not at a dangerous low. Google has also made me realize that I almost fell into depression in my second year of marriage but I recovered maybe because of all the months I spent at home with my family. Loved ones had been concerned about my loneliness but I have moved passed that. I have learned to enjoy my own company, anyway I was never a social bird, and I am surrounded by good people who truly cares. I’m in a fairly good place at present, except that I’m waiting for something and the suspense is tiring.

I listen to motivational speeches and read uplifting writings and most of them ask me to get up and build my future because it’s all in my hands and time isn’t going to wait for me. I should stop being lazy and just start doing something, whatever I’m passionate about. I agree. My whole being -body and soul- wakes up at that moment, inspired to take control of my life and then I ask my heart what I really want and there is no answer. It just shuts me down. Then I read the wisest of men and they tell me that everything will be revealed when time is right and this is what calms me. Maybe my destiny is indeed being a homemaker and one fine day I will find satisfaction in being one. Maybe I am meant to be doing something else. Only time will tell but how long can I wait?

Had I been in a different situation, where my husband’s salary wasn’t enough and the people around me weren’t so supportive and understanding, I might have to let go of all that I believe in and jump into something even if it doesn’t feel right. And believe me I would give my life doing what is expected of me and more and what a sad woman I would be. In the hour of desperation, we tend to forget our values and ethics. The difference between needs and wants grows dimmer and we don’t even realize that we end up losing more than we gain. To me money just isn’t worth risking my relationships with people I love, it can’t buy me peace of mind or happiness. In the end, we can’t carry wealth to our graves. I am blessed.

Another possible cause for my ‘unsatisfactory’ life could be my location. I’m not a city-person and definitely not this particular city. I need mountains, I need soil, I need a crowing rooster, I need neighbors who will watch our house and our pets when we are away, I need to be able to touch stranger’s babies and scold the naughty ones. I need to be able to take a walk alone when I’m upset, think over and return home with solutions. I have never been able to connect with this place and it makes me sad to admit but I guess the thing that I’m waiting for is the day we move out of here. Yes, yes! Grass is always greener on the other side but I want to check it myself.

I am my own worst critic and I regularly chide myself for being unreasonably dissatisfied when I should be just basking in such an environment. There is a lot that this city has to offer and women, in particular, love the luxuries found here. Why do I have to be so difficult? I will even make my husband’s life easier. But to my consolation, I’m not the only person who is looking for more meaning from life. Everybody asks this question at some point of their lives and until we find the answer, we remain restless. It is not something we can ignore for long, it keeps pricking and tickling from inside and I think it stops only when we get life’s approval. I believe that my destiny is decided, that it is fixed and “It is just a matter of Time” till I find out.

The thing is that I know I am doing alright just because I am not afraid to ask myself about my life, where it is leading, if I am contended and what I can do to make it more meaningful. It is difficult and it gets frustrating but it is something that must be done by everybody, be it a homemaker like myself or a highly successful professional. These questions make me fear for the future and regret for the lost time but they also bring out the dreams and aspirations that are hidden away. Initially its difficult but when you are honest, no answer is bad.

Birthdays are good times for introspection and self-improvement whether we are at peace with yourself or not. Well, till time shows me my destiny and I come to accept it, I can only make some changes to my life which will do me good in the long run. this includes staying positive about life and people, taking good care of my body, waking up early, and writing as much as I can in the hope that someday I will be able do it well. My birthday is also a reminder of how blessed I am to be able to afford to dream and to plan. My husband, families and friends have been most kind to me to let me do this at this age.

Zenei

2 Comments

  1. Beautiful Zenei! Lovely flow of words.I love your writing. Keep it up girl.Bless you. Do keep on blogging. You got it.

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